Is Your Marriage (Relationship) in a War Zone? Your style of fighting will tell you!

I can yell louder than you!

Fighting in a RelationshipJohn and Sue each held the remote that could trigger each other’s anger in a heartbeat. Their fights were sometimes about serious issues like parenting their children or how to budget their money, but more often were about small stuff. Leaving a dirty dish on the counter, failure to take out the garbage on time, not turning off the lights, even where the toothpaste tube was squeezed could erupt into loud arguments full of threats, ultimatums and character assaults. Sometimes these testy debates would be in front of the children, who would run and hide or try to get between their parents to tell them to stop fighting! Their fights could sometimes go on for hours, days and longer.

(see previous blog posts on passive-passive and aggressive-passive styles of conflict on the Relationship Conflict Scale ©, p. 11 in Taking Space and Steps 1 & 2 in the Audio Course)

I call this an aggressive-aggressive style of conflict. If you and your partner are on this side of the scale, you have little or no filters on what you express. The conflict could feel like open warfare, with mean and at times abusive threats, blaming, putdowns, name-calling, criticisms, swearing, power-trips, controlling behavior, etc. Fights can be loud, scary and out of control. You may often blame others for your anger. The risk of physical fights, violence and abuse increases. Your children will often experience a great deal of anxiety when hearing your fights and arguments.

Aggressive styles of fighting are on a continuum of mild to severe.

Learning to manage your fighting and deciding to limit open conflict in front of children, while restarting communication, can prevent this style of communication from destroying your relationship and family.

What can you do and where do you start?

  1. You must decide that you have had enough of this conflict!

    Even if just one of you decides that you have had enough, you start a change process.

    You must begin by taking responsibility for your part of your conflict.

  2. Learn to Disengage.

    (see Rules for Taking a Time Out, p.16 in Taking Space and Steps 1 & 2 in the Audio Course) In our counseling sessions I have partners temporarily lower and/or drop all expectations of their partner for at least a week. Dropping expectations of your partner may take work on your part.

  3. Identify what triggers your anger.

    Your triggers are often tied to your expectations. What does your partner do or not do, that you allow to push your anger buttons? This will take a shift in thinking and behavior as well as practice on your part. Some partners may need anger management assistance. (see Step 1 in the Audio Course)

  4. Learn to listen and talk.

    As simple as this sounds, it is the most difficult, but most possible. Many fights among couples start because anger and conflict have replaced listening to each other. Really hearing and expressing yourself openly with your partner without judgment, blame and criticism forms the basis of a connection between people. Under all the fighting is a huge hunger and desire to be heard and understood.

If you are finding this too difficult to do on your own, you may need to seek out third party help.

Relationships that develop and meet needs learn to manage their conflict and restart communication again and again each time they get stuck. Relationships that don’t, usually end staying stuck with more distance and space…sometimes permanently.


Taking Space – How To Use Separation To Explore The Future Of Your Relationship
Audio Course: How to Structure and Manage a Separation – Steps 1 & 2

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Read Bob's comments on: How To Tell if You Should Get Back Together with an Ex in Women's Health online magazine 5/20/14

Book review from

5.0 out of 5 stars best book I have read in a long time, very thorough.

- Hannah Latta

This review is from: Taking Space: How To Use Separation To Explore The Future Of Your Relationship (Kindle Edition)

"This book is by far the best book I have read on the subject of separation. The author is extremely thorough in describing various scenarios of different couples, their conflict, type of separation, process of resolution or dissolution. It touches on how to talk to the children, goals during separation, how long to separate, and what kind of separation to use for different cases. I appreciate the depth and length the author went in sharing his experience in this book to help others."

Separation Advice